Your Dirty Little Mind: Deliver us from ego.

On Valentine's Day, no less.

It’s been a while.

I’ve been knee deep in self-hyphenating: -pity, -care, -compassion, -loathing, -sabotage, -soothing, -searching, and -promoting - for a couple of months.

December started out swell with a wonderful trip to New York City-CT-New York City, where I undoubtedly picked up Covid for the first time ever in these past three years. This kicked my ass for a couple of weeks, literally. I isolated in my own guest room at home, felt sad and lonely, crazily tired, and sometimes oddly serene, like I was in a secret little self-absorbed cocoon. The guest room has the best view of the backyard, and I loved sitting in my favorite chair looking out the window. The rest of my household carried on without me, except for the cats, who moved in with me. It was a strange 14 days.

And then, it was Christmas, and our plans were tanked because of me testing positive until December 23. But, it gracefully ended up being a sweet and cozy time with just my family, which felt like a reunion of sorts - and special at this time of year. And then, it was a new year. And then, I dropped back into January reality, immediately crazy busy, and didn’t have a real chance to come up for air until…last Wednesday.

Last Wednesday, I had just finished re-writing a webinar on holistic heart health for 16 hours on Monday and Tuesday. I was getting ready to do a nurse boot camp for a few hours on-site at work. I was wired and a bit wrung out. I had had to re-write the presentation from the week before, which I’d piece-mealed together in the midst of a new, very short deadline and an already packed schedule. My presentation from the week before was half-baked, full of passion, but not a lot of cohesion or substance, and I was feeling really lousy about it. I’d even gotten some feedback from the client, which was well-deserved. The perfectionist in me was flouting me. And it was a very hard re-write because I wanted to get it right.

Now on this Wednesday morning, I was feeling better about this new version that took me two 10 hour work days back to back to tweak, flesh out and improve upon. I was feeling more confident and competent. And, as I washed my face, the Lord’s prayer came out of my mouth, out loud.

Hmmm, I thought, That’s interesting. I’ll go with it.

And so, as I lathered and rinsed, toned and moisturized, I spoke the words that were taught to me from my earliest memories:

Our Father who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done

On earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from ego…

I stopped moisturizing. And then I made this, “ha!” noise.

So that’s what this was about, I thought.

That’s good, Lord.

Indeed, deliver me from evil of the most insidious kind.

Because, yours is the kingdom, and the power and the glory, forever.

Amen.

Well, I’ll say.

It was one of those winking, but slap-you-upside-the-head moments.

It is exhausting to be self-consumed. It is an impossible, creativity zapping death trap to be a perfectionist.

I’d spent the best of two months, and now the past two full days, thinking about my abilities, my future, my hopes and dreams, my health, my work, my kingdom, my power, my glory, my failures, my shortcomings, my fears, my worry, my anxiety, my past, my future, my imperfections, my desire for being recognized as the best.

The thing that happens when you get a nudge like that: you don’t want to miss it. You want to dig down into it a little bit more while the spirit is leading, you know what I mean?

I rushed to my daily bread (my emphasis in bold):

Jesus Calling: February 8

I AM above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must not become your focus. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say “Help me, Jesus!” and I will draw you back to Me. If you have to say that thousands of times daily, don’t be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place.  

Ephesians 2:6
English Standard Version 
...and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,

(He does it all. Not me.)

Matthew 14:28-32
English Standard Version

And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

(Just like Peter, I think I’m all alone here, and I gotta’ figure out how to walk on water all by myself…)

Isaiah 42:3, English Standard Version

…a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice.

(I’m bruised and battered when I think I’m doing this on my own…but He reminds me, He finds a way to reach into my heart and head, even while I’m washing my face! And tells me, I’ve got this. All of this. And you.)

David Powlison, Take Heart: Daily Devotions To Deepen Your Faith, February 8

Psalm 40:17English Standard Version

¹⁷ As for me, I am poor and needy,
    but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    do not delay, O my God!

To be able to demand rescue, help, assistance from the only One who can offer what we actually need to live! Oh my gosh, my heart explodes. And is chastened. And is full. And is at peace. “You are God, and I am not.” Thank, God.

Today, on Valentine’s Day, I offer this to all of you, all of us, who are wounded, who feel lonely, imperfect, broken, insecure, alone, not enough: YOU ARE ALREADY LOVED. YOU ARE THE BELOVED.

No performance, no perfection required. No perfect hair, body, job, humor, social media feed, followers necessary. Please. In the famous words of Quincy Jones, “Check your ego at the door.” The Door that you can knock on and be guaranteed to have it flung wide open to welcome you home: fully known, loved, complete, already perfected.

***And yet…..here I am finding myself with still more to say and trying to say it perfectly. I am going to heed my own advice, and say “Deliver me from ego” .

I offer this to You to translate for Your purposes and Your plans and give myself some of Liz Gilbert’s mom’s advice: “Done is better than good.”

NB: From a purely evidential side of things: perfectionists are way less productive than those who just get it done. Think about that the next time you spend too many hours trying to perfect something. Embrace “Done is better than good.”

Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfecter of your faith (Hebrews 12:2).

Praying Love, True Love for you all, dear readers.

xo Caroline